Day 1 Ehwaz - Learning to Trust the Divine Masculine: A Dark Man Encounter

I had a dream that humbled me last night. I had set the intention to meet the Dark Man in my dream, and it finally happened after a few nights of nothing. It was a dream within a dream scenario...

The Dark Man Dream

After coming back out of the bathroom, I could see the Dark Man standing at the bedroom window, looking out at the garden and the graveyard next door. I called out to him, and he turned around, but, unsurprisingly, I could not discern his features. I don't recall a conversation taking place, and I fell back asleep in the dream within the dream, only to be awakened violently. I had been thrown out of the bed onto the floor, and a cushion was being pressed over my face. I managed to free myself and woke my husband to tell him what had happened. Our little terrier jumped onto the bed, and that's when I realised I was dreaming, as we keep the dogs downstairs at night. 

I didn't gain lucidity and woke up shortly after. At some point in the dream within the dream, I had the thought that perhaps I would have been safe if I had worn my crucifix pendant, but I dismissed this idea in the dream state and again, upon waking. I had asked for an encounter with the Dark Man, so why protect myself against it, especially since I no longer believe in the blood sacrifice of Yeshua, though I still revere him as a spiritual teacher.

Ehwaz and Trust

So what does all of the above have to do with Ehwaz?  Ehwaz is a rune of trust, as well as a rune of journeying. I have trust issues on two fronts. I don't trust the Christian god anymore, and I also don't trust the darker forces. I won't get anywhere unless I'm truthful about this. So what and whom do I trust? I trust my dogs and nature. I trust in Holy Death and Hekate. It's the Divine Masculine I struggle with. This is not so strange, considering the levels of fear and abuse I grew up with. 

But I'm ready to confront that now because I know that the worst that can happen is death, and that would take me into the arms of Hel or Santa Muerte, whom I do trust.

Off and on, I've had the idea of partnering with Odin. This is a level above merely devoting to him. But it's clear to me that I have to work on my trust/father issues first. 

The fear I experienced in my dreams last night can also be related to Ehwaz via its Uthark numerology, which corresponds with the number 18. In the Tarot Major Arcana, Arcanum 18 is The Moon. The Moon is a card of the subconscious mind and fear complexes. In terms of the Norse myths, it relates to the 9 realms of Yggdrasil + the 9 realms of Heldrasil (the underworld tree).  

According to Thomas Karlsson, Ehwaz also relates to the 18 rune songs Odin receives during his initiation.

My First Dark Man Encounter

I'd like to know if my first encounter with the Dark Man at age 19 was part of my initiation. It took place in the dorm room of the Christian university I attended at the time. It certainly made me feel that I didn't belong there because it was a cessationist institution, and I could not have approached any of the faculty for guidance. Things like that didn't happen there, and that was that. Thankfully, I had an Appalachian uni friend who knew differently, and we prayed together after she heard my screams of terror. Peace was restored without breaking my dogmatic framework completely... but it was already crumbling.

After my conversion to Evangelical Christianity at age 17, during a high school exchange year in the Bible Belt, I instantly struggled with the concept that a loving God would send most of humanity to hell to dwell in a state of eternal torment. While it was fairly easy to believe that I might have deserved such a punishment without being covered by the blood of Jesus, I didn't think that most people were bad enough to warrant that. Even in the most severe cases of sinfulness, wasn't 'for all eternity' just a bit over the top, psychopathic even? 

Eventually, I concluded that the Evangelical God wasn't as good as they said he was, even though my church family had made me feel safe for the first time in my life. It took me decades to unravel my religious programming due to my own CPTSD-induced shame.

Ehwaz, Please Help

I'm deep into this 72-day Uthark Rune Journey now, and I feel way outside my comfort zone. That's okay. I knew that would happen for any true initiation to take place, but this is the first time I've called out to the intelligence of a rune to guide me. It's hard for me to completely trust myself when my sense of self was fragmented for so long... but that's what needs to happen next; not trust in some saviour figure, because that's how I tap into magickal will, and that is the whole point of this journey.

Love,
Lisa

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